Having been born the eldest into a Christian family, I grew up being aware that there is a God. Laking Sunday school ako and I studied and graduated from a Christian school. It was even my parents who led me to Christ at a young age. But all that made no impact on my life for some reason, no genuine change of heart in me. I would be drilled to memorize Bible verses, which I accomplish, but I did not understand anything else beneath that. Because of my lack of diligence for my studies, I’d get into trouble often and spend the duration of my school days being called to the principal’s office if not conferenced by my teachers. As if that was not enough, I would get into trouble at home as well. I remember spending an afternoon trying to figure out why I can’t get it right – being a good child and student.
This went on for a few more years, hurting both my family and myself in the process. Although my relationship with my siblings also suffered a great deal because I thought siblings + screaming = obedience, it was my relationship with my parents that suffered the most. I allowed lying to take over in my life and looked for love and assurance at the wrong places from the wrong people. It even came to a point when Mama was nearly exasperated with me (I think) and Papa did not trust me anymore. I would apologize, but I was numb inside, thinking that I could not be a good child anyways.
Doing what I wanted to do under the radar even when caught, I ignored all of God’s disciplinary actions up until I graduated from college and acquired my professional license. So God took me to a quick detour, a one-year trip to the US, so that He could finally straighten me out. And that He did! My plans on getting a job in the US was completely thwarted – my papers got stuck somewhere, processing time took nearly 4 months and I didn’t pass the NCLEX twice. I had the thinking that it was all my fault, that I did not do my best. What I did was still inadequate. In everything that I do, I AM INADEQUATE.
As I was wallowing in my disappointment, it hit me – I did not put God into all the aspects of my life. That’s why I have been flunking in everything I did. From my studies to finding a job, I never included God in the equation. From that moment on, I decided to give God control over my life and give Him the importance that He has always deserved. I started attending GLC 1 during Wednesday nights and recomitted my life to God. As soon as I was able to set that straight, the situations in my life seemed “smoother” (in a sense) now that it was God driving. I was not screaming at the top of my lungs just to get my younger siblings’ attention. I did my best not give my parents headaches anymore or argue with them. Saying and being sorry for my mistakes became easier.
With the help of my friends, family, and current D-group, I am still completely relying on my God for everything, including my career as I nurse and my desire to have a family. It is not without difficulty that I do this. I still have the urge to do things without first asking God; but after giving Him the reins of control my life, things seem to fall into place, whether I understand it or not. At ang nakakatuwa pa doon, kahit sa mga downs in my life nakikita ko pa rin that God is still in control of everything. I still have that feeling of inadequacy every now and then, but beacause I know that it is my God managing my life through blessing and trial. And even if I fail Him or myself, I can always pick myself up and look to Him Who has loved me yesterday, today and forever.